Validation.....

   I’ve had a few, little, minor, OK maybe major breakdowns in the past week or two -  due to (what I would call) emotional neglect, not enough sleep, being super mom, insurance information overload and overtime. With that being said, I want to point out that there is a difference between someone who neglects on purpose and someone who doesn’t realize they are neglecting. I don’t know any girl who wants to say “Sweetheart, you are neglecting my feelings, my needs and special time.” I prefer subtle hints and pray he figures it out. I should know by now that my husband, or any man I know for that matter, doesn’t get subtle.
The husband and I can’t talk constructively about delicate issues – he uses the term needy which escalates to bitchy based on my response to “needy”. I am almost convinced that he thinks I have psychotic tendencies. But I admit when I get to the point where I feel drained, empty, overwhelmed and utterly alone – I have a tendency to experience sensory overload and crumble (or explode as some say.) This is all because he never shows his feelings. He never compliments me, is not very affectionate, seems to loathe family night, doesn’t commit to date night either way (whatever you want hon,) and sometimes doesn’t really converse with me – especially if it has to do with feelings….
Some people mentioned that this is toxic and a form of emotional abuse. I didn’t think that he would do anything on purpose to hurt me, although it does feel toxic and it does feel like neglect. I have no idea how we got to this point. I was confident, had good self-esteem and was sure of myself. Now, I’m not. My confidence is somewhat shaky, I question my appearance (that’s not his fault – but that’s another story for another day), I’m not sure if I am a good wife and I am tired – all the time. Why has this happened? I have thought about it long and hard and I have come to realize that I and all women need validation.
Why do I need my husband to validate who I am and how I feel about myself?
 This has been bothering me a lot and made me question my mental state – gosh when did I become so darn “needy.” Why when I have a good life, great kids, good job and no real obstacles do I feel like my world is crashing in? I could feel why I needed validation but I couldn’t say it. Why do I need him to feel pretty? Why do I need him to feel accepted? Why was I so confident before and not so much now? Why do I need him to be affection to feel loved? I believe the combination of it all is summed up in one word…validation.
It’s a silly thing really and after some digging I realized: By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us– in other words, that THEY matter to us. By “mirroring” some one’s feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.
It’s no wonder I feel so empty. I had been complimenting him, touching him, laughing at or with him, trying to spend quality time with him, etc. I was doing all I knew to do. When he didn’t mirror the things that I did, I started to think he didn’t appreciate them, he didn’t appreciate me, he didn’t care about me, he wasn’t attracted to me, he was bored and I became broken and had no more energy to proceed with loving him, which started a downward spiral.
Not having much of a “happily married long term” support system I felt alone and miserable. Discussing it with friends (single or not yet married) and family (not the shining married example I hope to someday be…) made me feel like I was on the defense about my husband. He is not abusive, adulterous or bad to me, I just felt empty. I love you, my family and friends, I do and you are wonderful support but I wish that I had older happily married women who could wrap her arms around me and say “ah honey – it’s just a bump in the road. We all feel that way sometimes but we work through it. It’s not easy but we get there with time and patience. Lots of patience since your dealing with a man...” See Validation from someone who has been there and persevered. Validating my feelings that I am not crazy and he really does love me even though he has no idea how much that hug would really mean to me after a long day at work. I almost called one amazing women that I know – but I could not bring myself to bother her with such a small thing when she has real, life-altering, yet miraculous, things on her plate daily.  So I took to the internet (yay or boo me – you decide.)
 I stumbled on to the “Five Love Languages” one night and it made me think. If we give and give and receive nothing in return…we begin to run on empty. I am currently on empty. Now, he didn’t just sit there and do nothing. He was always running around the house doing things, fixing things, vacuuming, dishes, and taking care of the kids. I guess I just don’t speak the language of acts of service, maybe that’s his love language.
I don’t think men understand how powerful validation is in a relationship. It seems to be so minor but when practiced can have major positive affects. When I go to my husband with issues, problems or situations it is his natural response to try to fix it. “There must be a logical way to fix this situation”. I don’t want it fixed – I want him to listen and validate my feelings. I am looking for understanding. I am looking for sincere affection towards the situation. I want him to listen and then make some sort of comment to let me know that he understands, that he cares, that he heard me, that he loves me. Men- wouldn’t it feel great to not have to feel the need to fix, when all you have to do is listen and show signs of concern and compassion? We want you to stand in our shoes for a moment, to see things from our point of view…not to be so cut and dry and needing to fix.
Please don’t think that because a woman/person needs validation that they are insecure. I think at some point or another every one enjoys a little validation. I see validation as a small gift wrapped in a cute, little bow. When someone validates another person, it helps us to feel as if someone ‘gets’ you, ‘understands’ you; it also makes us feel as if we aren’t alone. It feels good to know that our actions, words and feelings make sense to another person. It’s easier to relax around someone and keep down your guard when there is validation. With validation comes an extreme sense of connection. I crave connection and I can’t seem to feel it without some sort of validation. Does this make me needy? I think not.
When we first got together, the relationship was pure bliss. We were running on straight chemistry and chemicals. Of course, the honey moon always dies and you come back down to earth. What’s left? You can either let the relationship run on auto-pilot or you can practice validation which nourishes the relationship. How do I validate my man? Validating him is letting him know how much I appreciate and value him.
It’s the little things. It doesn’t cost a lot, it just takes work. You must be in tune to your partners personality, preferences, tastes, and communicate it verbally to have an impact. I worry that I have not done a good job validating him. After looking at my feelings I began to wonder how I have, in small and big ways, affected how he feels. Have I been supportive? Have I made him feel loved, wanted, needed, successful and manly? Was I so wrapped up in myself and so worried about how I felt that I was neglecting him? Remember ladies relationships are two way streets and men need your love, approval and validation also – they just won’t readily admit it. No man wants a woman who constantly belittles them, overrules them, casts aside their feelings or does not support them. I crumbled and poured out my feelings to someone else with in earshot of my husband which resulted in a deserved 3 day silence between us (except for needed conversation – oh and I slept with my son…) Because I let all the hurt, resentment, sadness and pain surface in a way that completely shattered his validation.
We won’t talk about it – that’s how our relationship is. I discussed it briefly – he listened - and ask him two open ended question that I told him to answer to himself & I asked myself the same question – “What have I done to show my love or appreciation for you lately?” Not as a conversation or argument but as a thought – followed up by “What can I do?” so simply really – but then again is anything simple in a relationship? Because I thought it was neat here is the 5 love languages (Since I know you are dying to find out):  
 THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
1.) Gifts: (sweet notes/cards, flowers, dinner, candy, perfume, etc)
2.) Words Of Affirmation: (You’re Pretty, You’re So Funny, Dinner Was Great, You Smell Good, You Can Do It, I Love You, I Love Being With You, I Need You, You’re Special To Me, Cute Dress, I Cherish You)
3.) Acts of Service: (doing the dishes, folding clothes, mowing the yard, babysitting the kids, cooking dinner, taking him/her out, it’s basically doing things for your partner to show that you care).
4.) Physical Touch:(holding hands, playing with her hair, smacking their ass, massaging their back, kissing, caressing, ect)
5.)Quality Time: (good conversation, spending time with no outside interruptions, activities with or without the kids, family time)
Remember, validation isn’t about insecurity…it’s really about looking for some sort of response from another person…just to let us know that you care, understand and that you are ‘in tune’ to our feelings and our needs. But make sure your giving and not just expecting. Marriage truly is a two way street and your actions can breed love or contempt. I love my husband very much and I want to grow that love, not contempt.

Its been a year!

Sooo.....We did have a record snow fall last year :) The Blizzard of 2011 they affectionately call it today. Not only did it close the Interstate and almost all businesses for two days, it apparently made me totally forget I had a blog rolling along! I still planned meals but alas I forgot to blog =( what a sad realization....I may be back though ;). 

Sweet Potatoes make it all better!

What a good Sunday! I made an amazing crock pot meal - possibly the easiest meal I have cooked all week =-). I did all the prep work around 8am and enjoyed dinner at 6! I had not realized that sweet potatoes are harder to cut the normal potatoes - my poor hand hurt like the dickens! They are considerably easier to peel =-).


My sister and her two children joined us for dinner tonight - the youngest (Randy 3 and Jeni 2) had PB&J's after staring wild eyed at the stew in their bowls! My annoying, yet sweet younger brother (Henry 11) made them the wonderful sandwiches - which they devoured! My sister, my brother and I loved the stew which consisted of sweet potatoes, gold potatoes, chicken, carrots and seasonings. My daughter tried it once and then ate some tuna fish later. Can't win them all now can we? I even have leftovers for lunch - yum! =-)

Here's hoping we do not get the predicted snow fall!!

Mushrooms and Shrimp....oh my!

My daughter agreed to retry Mushrooms tonight - she sits on the floor next to me with one precariously perch on a fork breathing heavy. "1...2...3...here goes nothing".....gag, gag and she runs from the room as theatrical as possible. She may have a career someday. She is now proceeding to down water as if it will wash away the memory of the nasty fungus she inflicted upon herself!

I, personally, love mushrooms! Tonight we had the joy of making Shrimp & Mushroom stir fry - well I had the joy =-). My lovely sweet Rosie won the job of peeling and deveining  the raw shrimp. After 30 minutes and all other prep was completed I joined her. My favorite part of the whole evening was listening to my darling screech and moan as she peeled and cut the innards from dead shrimp. She spoke to them "I am sooo sorry poor shrimp, but I love you cooked." "eewwwww, your so slimy and gross." "WHAT JUST TOUCHED ME???" I could barely contain my laughter. Such a girlie girl. Then as I sauteed the shrimp, mushrooms and green onion (with garlic) she made the rice =-). it turned out very good. Although I may NEVER buy raw tail on, shell on shrimp again. Dinner at 9:30 is just sad!     

Thursday

I recently had a marvelous and horrid realization - first I love good home cooked food and second my mom will someday pass on leaving me with no place to eat said good food. Then I realized I also need to budget our food bill and plan - I have never been a meal planner, but more of a how do I feel today? So I am experimenting. I want to learn to cook and I am making my 9 year old take the journey with me. In a very interesting turn of events we both just finished watching Julia & Julie - it was quite fitting to watch.

I made my menu over the weekend, made a grocery list and Monday evening - for the very first time - I made Mushroom Beef Tenderloin.Basically Tenderloin steaks w/ Mushroom sauce - I learned not to crowd my Mushrooms, not to cook tenderloins to much and that cream can make an amazing sauce. It was a success accompanied by perogies and steamed vegetables.

Tuesday we had Honey Chicken Stir fry - It was heavenly. The honey added a sweet touch to the chicken. I served it with white rice (which Rosie made!) I learned that if you dry chicken it browns better and you have no weird white pieces..

Wednesday I learned to preread recipes as the chosen recipe had to marinate overnite! It turned into leftover night - live and learn!  Right?

Thursday (which happens to be tonight!) I used the other half of the Tenderloin roast and marinated it in a wonderful sauce after cutting it into steaks. The sauce sounded awful - OJ, Brown sugar, soy sauce, mustard, garlic? It was highly praised but I was skeptical Wednesday night as I set it in the fridge. It was FANTASTIC! The meat after fried in the juice literally fell apart in my mouth. It was not sweet or tart - it was like a combination of all the latter mentioned ingredients yet totally different. It was perfect. So perfect in fact my 3 year old (who only loves chicken nuggets and fish sticks) asked for seconds! I served it w/ garlic shells (kinda like shells and cheese except w/ a cheese sauce) and corn. next time I will up the sides as this main course deserves perfect sides! I learned tonight that a citrus marinade will tenderize (well break down) tough meats - so I will try this on some deer steaks we have acquired (as I had NO idea what to do with them!)  

Thank goodness I have also taken up Zumba with some good friends - I may need it! Rosie and I made a White Chocolate pie also tonight - looks good, but we will find out tomorrow! =-) 

Welcome to blogging.......

This is my first blog in a long, long time. I thought it might be enjoyable to share my thoughts, experiences, trials and laughter somewhere other then my journal. welcome to my life.....more to come later!

~Tinabug